英语对话演讲

幽默对话
1.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!

Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?

Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.

Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!

Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?

Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.

Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?

Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!

2.
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!

Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.

Teacher: Joey, please use the word wagon in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on.

Teacher: Charles, please use discount in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. Does discount as a sentence?

Teacher: Duff, please use the word window in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: I entered a contest but didn't window.

Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.

Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?

Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.

Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.

Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?

Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?

Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.

Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!

Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!

Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!

Joe: I was built backwards.
Mary: How?
Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!

Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!

Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.

Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
Sue: Wow! Why not?
Mary: They're already long enough!

Michael: I was on tv today.
Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.

Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
Jan: I have an ant farm!

George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!

Mom: What are you doing?
Bob: Washing myself, of course.
Mom: Without soap and water?
Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.

Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.

Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.

3.
ANNIE BUDDY ? ANNIE WAN ? NOE WAN ? SUM BUDDY ?

Lee Sum Wan : Hello can i speak to Annie Wan

Mr Sori : Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : Im Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But whats this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured
and now Noe wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that is'nt an urgent matter!
You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan : You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori : Im Sori.

Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori : Im Sori!!

Lee Sum Wan : I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!

Mr Sori : Look lady, I told you already Im Sori! Im Sori!! Im SORI!!! you didnt even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan : I told u before i'm Sum Wan! Sum Wan!!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy.
And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori : Oh i'm so scared(sarcastically). Look i dont care about yr uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog
and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan : No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there.

Mr Sori : Like i said i dont care which one of yr aunt screws everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan : Wheech Wan is my sis!

Mr. Sori : I don't know which one is yr sis! Why in gods name u think i do!?
Look i got work to do and if i'm feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying.

Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident.
But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital.
But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody.
how bout that!?

Toot....Toot....Toot.................