[为英语高手准备]雅思作文TASK2 高分求修改

您好，首先您的词汇和句型比较丰富，是文章的亮点，可是还是重复的使用了过多的词组，对于代词的替换缺乏一点点技巧，加上有些地方明显的语法错误，以及过分的追求长句，使得短句很少，显得层次不均匀，使得文章的分数有所降低，但是这些错误不会影响阅读，整体来讲文章流畅，观点明确，分数应该在6.5-7分。

一些可以改进的地方如下：

1.不要一直重复的使用 sb's这种形式，需要代词或者别的句式做一点替换。具体在文中：students’ timetable ；students’ opportunities ；policy’s disadvantages ；

2.几个明显的语法错误和用词不当：
原句：for it diminish students’ extracurricular time which used to be spent on part-time jobs.
改正：for it diminishes students’ extracurricular time which might be used on part-time jobs.

原句：Lack of experience, however, will hinder their future career, because most employers prefer experienced employees.
改正：Lacking of experience, however, will hinder their future careers, because most employers prefer experienced employees.

原：Extracurricular activities, such as part-time job and social activities will broaden students’ knowledge and cultivate their team spirit.
改：Extracurricular activities, such as part-time jobs and social activities will broaden students’ knowledge and cultivate their team spirit.

原：This argument, however, is focusing on just a small minority of cases.
改：This argument, however, is only focusing on a minority of cases.

原：So compared with valuable experience of work, too much academic knowledge squander most students’ intelligence, and only make brilliant students tired.
改：So compared with valuable experience of work, too much academic knowledge not only squanders most students’ intelligence, but also makes brilliant students tired.

原：Established and funded by its people, government should assume the responsibility for students, who really determine the future of this society, and take measures to combat this “pressure and encouragement” policy.
改：划掉这句话吧，实在是不好，最后总结一下说明自己的观点就好了，也就是支持还是反对。